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List of False Religions

The following is a list of all known false religions in alphabetical order:

Amish

Worship: Hard work, mules, horses, and Satan. Trivia Fact: The Amish think that they are saved through hard work and eschewing God's gifts of electricity and modern technology. If God didn't want us to have electricity, He wouldn't have made lightning out of it, and He certainly wouldn't have told Thomas Edison how to make electricity by rubbing two magnets together.

Asatru (Asstrue - an obvious reference to the copious amount of anal sex in their rituals)

Worship: The Mighty Thor, a character created by Stan Lee and Jack Kirby in 1962. They also Worship the later characters, Thor's evil half-brother Loki, Heimdal, Baldur, Sif, and Odin. But most important is the so-called "All-Father", Satan himself.

Atheists/agnostics

Worship: Satan and believe in the religion of Evolution and Science

Australian Abrollers

Worship: Bunyips -- which are demons in the form of a giant marsupial badger, and Satan

Bahai (Be high)

Definition: Basically the same thing as the Unitarians, except they claim GOD told them to believe anything they want to. Worship: Some guy named Bahulla Balooga, and Satan

Being f***ing decent to others despite our differences. (BFDtodod)

Worship: Satan

Buddhists (boodists)

Worship: an obese naked Chinaman, and Satan

Catholics (catlicks)

Worship: Satan and Mary

Chinese Universists

Beliefs: A mess of ying/yang cosmology, taoist and boodhist nonsense. Worship: Household gods, dead relatives, and Satan.

Deism

Worship: The "dual nature" of Satan. Trivia Fact: This "religion" was invented by Thomas Jefferson solely as a ploy to keep references to Jesus out of the wicked U.S. Constitution.

Daoism/Taoism

Definition: A pack of strung-out junkies perfoming Tai Chi, drinking Chai Tea, smoking pot, drinking beer, sleeping with every woman in town, drinking rum, and shoving bananas in various orafices. They claim to achieve everything by doing nothing and they believe in Ying Yan Yuck Yoo, the circle, half black, half white, half witted. Worship: Nothing, everything, nature, and Satan.

Druidism (Drooish)

Definition: Bunch of sad English gits dress up in the local drama groups' plastic chainmail, then run around the countryside waving cardboard swords at each other. Worship: Stonehenge, Satan.

Eastern Orthodox Church

Worship: Icons (paintings), dead bodies, fingers, toenails, incense and satan

Environmentalists (Tree-Huggers)

Worship: a minor demon named 'Gaia', spotted owls, snail darters, and Satan.

Episcapalians (Joe Piscapalians)

Worship: the King of England, and Satan.

Eskimos/Inu-nitwits

Definition: Basically Canadian Injuns, with a hearty dollop of Chink added for bad measure. Worship: Their own urine, snow, and walruses (the Canadian version of buffalo). And Satan.

Free masons jars

Definition: An ancient society of old men who think they can unravel the secrets of the universe by drinking liquor and playing poker for two hours every Wednesday night and who don't realize how stupid they look in robes. Worship: Archways, elevators, the letter 'G', and Satan.

Gnostics

Definition: Animists who dabble in meditation, chanting and astral travel (destination - Hell), in an effort to gain demonhood. Keep potted plants and gravel as pets. Worship: Satan, and an assortment of minor demons (fairies, gnomes, undines).

Goddess Worship (Godless Worship)

Beliefs: Basically, the opposite of whatever the Holy King James Bible teaches. This is particularly true in the area of male-female relations; in addition, since the Bible attaches such importance to eating meat, goddess Worshipers tend to be vegans. Practices: Hating men; channeling through crystals (Satan's cell phones) Clergy: Homeresses who are bitter about not being men, so they buy all of their clothes at Steven Windsor Big and Tall Men. Worship: The goddess (that is, Satan in drag)

Hindus (Hindaloos)

Worship: thousands of individual Demons, each masquerading as a god, and Satan.

Hong Feng Shooey

Description: The ancient Oriental art of arranging your furniture so that Satan can move about more easily. Clergy: Overpaid homer interior decorators; overpaid "postmodern" (i.e., homer) architects. Worship: Qi, which is a Chinese nickname for Satan.

Hottentots (Hot-to-trots)

Worship: a minor demon named Gay-nab, and Satan

Injuns

Definition: Feather-sporting savages, their faces red from shame at having rejected Jesus, who masturbate with the scalps of Christians and scheme to steal our money through their monolithic network of sin-ridden casinos. Worship: The Great Spirit (AKA Satan), lesser spirits (AKA Satan), and buffalo.

Jainism (Jane-ism)

Worships: Satan in a fluffy animal costume.

Jehovy Witnesses

Worship: Satan (God's name is not Jehova, it is Jealous, see Ex 34:14)

Jews (Joos)

Worship: money. And Satan

Messianic Joodaism

Definition: Bunch of confused Joos trying to make amends for killing Jesus. Worship: 'Yeshua of Nazareth' (Joo-speak for Jim Caviezel), and Satan.

Metropolitan Community "Church"

Description: A "church" that preaches have-a-nice-day Unitarianism to homers. History: Founded by Troy Perry, who was so far out that not even the Pennycoastals wanted him around anymore. Worship: Leftist politics, rug-munching, and Satan.

Mithraism (Mythicallism)

Worship: Mithras, son of Acura Mazda (see Zoroastrians), referred to as 'the Light of the World' by his demonic followers. This 'religion' is an obvious Satanic mockery of Christianity. According to this ridiculous myth, Mithras was born of a virgin, said 'I am the way and the light, and only through me can ye be saved.', went around performing miricles, held a last supper with his followers, and died to save mankind but was resurrected and ascended into Heaven. Some of the religious practices include ritualistic baptism, drinking wine and eating bread to symbolize Mithras' blood and body, holding Sundays sacred, an an annual celebration of Mithras' birth on December 25. This religion was popular among the Roman soldiers that were in charge of suppressing Jewish revolts between 200 BC and 70 AD.

Moonies (Loonies); official members of the Unification (Loonification) Church.

Worship: The sun, the moon, Sun Myung Moon, and Satan. Trivia facts: Despite their gruesome recruitment methods (eg, threatening to cut off their target's quivering fingers if said target refuses to sign up for Korean 101), many moonies are surprisingly sensitive about being called "moonies", as it offends their delicate moonie sensibilities.

Mormons

Definition: Rural folks who believe that salvation can be had by marrying all of one's female cousins and wearing goofy underwear. Trivia fact: Believe that Jesus came back as a gunfighter in the old west. Worship: Nehi grape soda and Satan.

Muslims (mudslimes)

Worship: the Moon, although they are really bowing to Satan, who told them to Worship the Moon

New agers

Definition: Bunch of white, middle-class baby boomers begin calling themselves silly names, e.g., 'John-of-the-Purple-Thunder-Buttocked', and 'Red-Lady-of-the Moon-Menses', in an attempt to give their lives more meaning. Worship: Crystals, aliens, newspaper horoscopes, Satan.

Palo Mayombe aka Palo Montenegro

Definition: Bobbing for human bones in a boiling cauldron. Worship: a pair of bull-dyke demonettes named Nganga and Prenda.

Pentacostals (Pennycoastals)

Worship: snakes and Satan.

Presbyterians, Lex Lutherans, Baptists Other Than Landover Baptists, and Methamphetadists

Worship: think they Worship Jesus, but because of their false, non-Baptist doctrines, they are so twisted around that they are really Worshipping Satan. (I realize that "false" and "non-Baptist" are redundant, I'm just trying to drive the point home, praise Jesus!)

Puritans

Definition: A group of English Heretics who think they are saved by good works and drab clothes. Worship: corn and Satan.

Quakers

Worship: oatmeal, and Satan.

Raelians (Ray-Aliens)

Worship: a group of Demons that pretend to be aliens from "other planets", when everyone knows that there are no other planets, and those lights in the sky are just that -- little lights a few miles up that can fall right to the ground if Jesus sneezes hard enough. See Rev 6:13.

Rastafarians (Pasta-Reefermans)

Worship: Satan -- they are to stoned and lazy to Worship anything, but because Jesus said, "He who is not with me is against me", they Worship Satan by default.

Reiki Followers

Description: So called 'energy healing' which teaches satanic Hindu concepts as well as satanic Pagan concepts. The healing is perverted, they 'lay hands' on each other which is just an excuse to practise homersexuality and adultery. History: Founded by some homersexual Japanese gook. Worship: Angels and a new age God which is of course satan and his demon minions in disguise.

Rosacruces

Definition: Brazilian trash eating psilocybin mushrooms and digging through gravel pits. Worships: rocks, rock spirits, rock music, and Satan.

Salvation Army

Definition: Elderly panhandlers with a fetish for army uniforms. These degenerates sing and play tambourines for money, usually at the entrances of Godly Corporations™. Worship: Musty old clothing, musty old people; but both old and new money.

Santeria (Satanism)

Definition: Bunch of cathylicks get honest with themselves and quit pretending to love JESUS. Practices: Sacrificing chickens, possession by Satan. Worship: Dead cathylicks and Satan.

Satanists

Worship: Satan

Scientologists

Worship: Satan and Elron Hubbard is his prophet.

Seculiar Humanists

Worship: themselves, and Satan.

Shinto

Definition: The Japs, their minds muddled by Confucianism (i.e., Satanism), begin making tiny paper swans out of serviettes (origami) to appease their dead relatives. This is when they are not busy Worshipping the Jap royal family (i.e., Satan), or performing ritual dances (i.e., possession by Satan). Worship: Dead relatives, and Satan.

Sikhism (Sick-ism)

History: A group of demon-possessed people in India weren't sure whether they could outrage Jesus more by becoming hindaloos or mooselimbs, so they picked the worst aspects of both religions. Beliefs: Their false god commands them to wear turbans, grow scruffy beards, and manage gas stations. Worship: Ceremonial daggers and Satan.

Unitarians

Worship: Satan. This religion represents a unification of every false religion and their followers are allowed to choose their own paths to Satan.

United Church of Christ

The once-glorious True Christian™ Church of the Pilgrims and Puritans (who can forget "Sinners In The Hands Of An Angry God") has, in our time, so utterly embraced Satan that even the members of the UCC Divine Revelation that their Church's initials stand for 'Unitarians Considering Christ.' Furthermore, these debased hellhounds advocate the ordination of women and even install women as the pastors of congregations that include men. Lastly, I hope you're sitting down this malignant group welcomes gays and lesbians into their Worship services and communities. Jesus weeps! Recently, they were in the news because the television networks refused to air their recruitment tape. Worship: Satan

Vampirism

Definition: a sexual perversion in which pleasure and especially sexual pleasure is obtained by the drawing of blood Worship: bats, blood, gay blood orgies and Satan.

Voodoo

Definition: Voodoo combines the worst elements of two other Satan-glorifying religions, Witchcraft and catlickism. Believers are able to call upon demons to turn corpses into zombies under their control. Worship: the Pope, toy dolls and Satan.

Wiccans (wickedans) aka Witches

Worship: Satan

Zoroastrians (Zorro-Astrologists)

Worship: a demon named Acura Mazda, and Satan. This religion was created by Satan (HaShatan) solely to mock the religion of the Israelites while under Babylonian captivity, adding insult to injury.